


dear,

by galacto (divinedogs)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, AtsuKita, I did my best I really did, I tried to be canon compliant, Love Letters, Post Break-up, Reminiscing, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:53:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27540325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divinedogs/pseuds/galacto
Summary: You're never going to read this but that's okay.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46
Collections: Rice Quartet Week 2021





	dear,

**Author's Note:**

> [atskt angst playlist.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/60e1nOLb1LLGNTU2QwykH1?si=865Re_5dRxm7KuvSbd6KuQ)

When I first met you it was a sunny Monday morning.

First day of classes. Birds chirping. Mind pumped up.

It was nice. I was hopeful. Osamu was a lil shit.

I applied for the Inarizaki Volleyball club without much thought. Without any second thoughts. Because I loved volleyball. More than anything. Osamu was a lil shit but of course applied too. I didn't expect otherwise. You were with our manager, standing beside her quietly. You weren't the team captain yet. You were just another second year member of the volleyball club. But you were responsible, hardworking, independent, dependable. People trusted you. I trusted you. (I still do)

People thought you were scary. Heck, even I thought you were scary. You were so stern, so strict, followed routines, took care of everyone and yourself. I don't know if anybody noticed though when you'd laugh whenever Aran told me off. Or when you'd smile when Suna was bickering with Akagi. Or your reaction when Oomimi got all stressed and worried he'd be called a grandpa because he just wanted to have tea with you. I don’t know if anyone noticed your little jokes or the way you’d turn around to hide a laugh. I don't know why I noticed but I did. You would smile and laugh at our crazy antics every so often but you'd do it in secret. I think nobody knows. ~~Well, except me.~~

Do you remember the first time you kissed me? It wasn't the first kiss I wanted us to have but I think it defines our relationship pretty well. You always somehow managed to surprise me. You were in your final year of high school and we were just a few days away from Spring Inter High. Locker room antics as usual. Me and Osamu were being lil shits and everyone was making a ruckus. At this point you already knew I liked you. But I didn't know if you liked me back. I kept quiet about it though. My heart would pound and race and I so badly wanted to know if you liked me back but I kept quiet because I didn't want to scare you away. I didn't want to pressure you for something I believed you thought to be trivial. I was being patient. Or at least as patient as I could be. Aran had asked me to shut up but I didn't. Asked Osamu to shut up but he didn't. Asked Suna to make Osamu shut up but obviously he didn't. Before he finally turned to you. You walked over, frowned at me but your eyes said otherwise. ~~Your eyes were always so honest.~~ Then you kissed me. It was a quick peck on the lips but the locker room fell silent. You walked out while we were all stunned. My heart was beating so so fast and so so loud. I wondered if anyone else could hear it. I wondered if anyone else noticed that you were blushing as you walked away.

Do you remember our first date? It was actually nothing special. You were close to graduating and I felt the pressure creeping up to me. As if I had to ask you out now otherwise I’d never be able to. I was busy with volleyball, you were busy prepping to leave for college. It was nothing special. We stayed in the gym until after hours, I helped you clean, we bickered, we kissed, I held your hand on the way home. That was the first time we shared a proper kiss in private except I didn't think it was all that good. I asked you if I could try again next time, and I promised I’d keep on doing it until I got it right. And I promised that even when I finally get it right, I still won’t stop kissing you. You said I was being cheesy. I remember you asking to stop by a convenience store for some ice cream then you apologized for asking and said it wasn’t needed. But I wanted to spend more time with you so I said I wanted ice cream even though I didn’t. Your face lit up right there and then as if I did something so great. ~~I wanted to kiss you again.~~ You always did appreciate the little things more than the average person did.

I had always thought love was grand gestures and big events and milestones. It was the only kind of love I ever grew up with. Loud, public, attention seeking. The kind that other people would fawn over. But you showed me otherwise. You taught me that love can be quiet, peaceful, calming. That love is what you want it to be when you need it to be. I don’t think you know how much you’ve taught me throughout the years; about love and life and volleyball and farming and everything else in between. It’s crazy to think that I still carry bits and pieces of you with me. That some parts of me are only me because of you.

Do you remember when you first told me you loved me? I already knew I loved you then but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud because I was scared of how you'd react. I'm pretty sure you knew though. ~~I hope you knew.~~ You were always so perceptive and analytical. Some days it felt like you knew me better than I knew me. We were at your house having dinner. Me and your sister were bickering like we always did and she was also asking about Osamu. I looked over to the kitchen where you and granny were preparing dinner. You looked back at me and smiled. It could have been the softest smile I'd ever seen in my life. ~~I had to stop myself from walking over and kissing you.~~ After dinner we went up to the rooftop. You would always say it wasn't safe but I was persistent and I asked you to come up anyway. (and you’d always come along.) We watched the stars and you talked about your little brother. After a while you apologized. You said "I'm sorry I'm so talkative tonight." and I had to reassure you that it was okay. I told you I liked hearing your thoughts. ~~I still do and I wish I could listen to them right now.~~ You stared at me for a bit and it was weird but then you whispered I love you and I thought I was going to cry because god I ~~am~~ was so in love with you.

I look back at our days fondly. I remember the things we did and the things we said and I’m never sure of what I feel when I do. There are still photos of you hanging around my apartment and at home and I don't know why but I just can't bring myself to change the frames or throw them out. I know Osamu sees you often but for some reason our mom always asks me how you are. I was never able to bring myself to change my homescreen wallpaper either. It's a photo of you drinking coffee. I took it one morning before leaving for Osaka and you asked me why I had to take a photo. I told you it was because I wanted more memories of you, of us. That was only half the truth; I just thought you looked really pretty and so bright. You kissed me on the forehead before I left just like you always did.

Do you still remember? I think you do. I hope you do. It's unfair that you seem to be moving on with life while I'm still stuck here. It's an outsider's point of view now though and I don't actually know how you're doing. I know I should get going too but everything is moving too fast. It's like I'm one step behind. When I go home from time to time I forget that it's no longer you I'm visiting. But I'm trying, ~~Shinsuke~~ Kita-san. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and I know you'll be proud of me. I hope you'll be proud of me.

 ~~I love you.~~ I hope you're happy. I know you are. I hear from Osamu that you're planning to expand your businesses and you're excited and that the excitement shows. That probably means everything is going well for you, and I'm glad that it is. You deserve good things more than anyone else. I hear from Aran that you're smiling again, that your face is always so bright and you're always so chirpy. But in the midst of all the changes and everything going on with you now I can't help but wonder; are you still watching my games? Do you still watch the replays at night and fall asleep on the couch? Are you still critiquing my plays? I hope you are. ~~It's too bad I can't hear your thoughts anymore.~~

There’s no point to this. I think I just wanted to let you know that I still think about you. I know you said I can text or call when I want to but for some reason I could never bring myself to do it, to call you up and ask if you’re okay. So I’m left here wondering how you are, if you’re happy, if you’re sleeping and eating well and drinking your vitamins. I am always wondering if your crops are flourishing, if you’ve finally repainted your house, if obaa-chan is doing good, if your sister already has a boyfriend, if your brother is playing volleyball too. Sometimes I think about the bits and pieces of me that I’ve had to leave behind because they were never mine in the first place. They were pieces of you that I learned to love and for a while became pieces of me too.

It can be hard sometimes, ~~Shin~~ Kita- san. You’re in everything I see and everything I do. There's still so much of you everywhere. But I’m going to be okay. We had a good run. It wasn't as long as I wanted it to be but as quiet as it was, it was also the greatest and most grand kind of love that I could ever ask it to be. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

Wherever life brings you, I hope you think of me from time to time. I hope you remember the good and the bad and you feel that this part of the process was worth it. That you had something to gain from what we had.

~~Somehow I still hope it'd be you and me in the end. Is it okay? To wish for that? You'll probably think it's childish of me but I hope you don't mind.~~

Wherever life brings me, I simply hope it brings me peace. The same peace you brought me. Maybe one day I can catch up. Be on the same pace as you instead of one step behind. To finally be able to ask you how you are. To finally take down the photos and change my wallpaper and walk by your house without feeling some sort of pain in my chest.

But until then, I'll be here. Not really waiting, no. Just here.

~~Love,~~

Sincerely,

Atsumu.

**Author's Note:**

> its been a while since i wrote anything in first person POV!! it was fun writing this and i did my best to be as canon compliant as possible but if i went a bit ooc.. i am sorry :( ~~hopefully there's gonna be a part 2 to this as well~~  
>  big shoutout to my girlfriend for being my beta for this one and sitting thru my mini angst storm!! i am so so grateful that she listens to me ramble about atsukita for hours... she's crazy but im thankful she's my crazy!! :D  
> as always your comments and kudos are my serotonin boost but as long as you guys enjoyed then im really happy!!  
> scream at me (or with me) on [my twitter](https://www.twitter.com/kodzue) if you'd like!!


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